I can’t seem to be able to sleep tonight. And here I was going to try and wake up at 5:30 am tomorrow. That seems to always happen to me. Sunday nights are just hard on me I guess. I stay up all night trying to count sheep …. I make it to about five and then my mind starts racing. What do I have to do tomorrow, this week, what did I do wrong last week., and then it goes to happy thoughts like what if I screw up too much and I get fired? I can’t get fired!
Then my train of thought inevitably switches to I want a baby. Then I start to think of everyone that has a baby. All the people that have gotten pregnant and had their baby in the time that we have been trying to have one. All the people who keep telling me they want to get pregnant and probably will pretty soon. An here I will be, baby less. It isn’t something I am looking for pity about. I need to write it down before my head explodes. I try and try to not worry about it, but that’s like telling someone not to breathe or eat. I want a baby so badly I ache every time I think about it.
Today in nursery a little boy got hit in the head by another kid and started crying. He came and sat on my lap and put his face in my neck and it was all I could do not to cry, but at the same time it felt like a tender mercy from the Lord. Like here is a little taste of whats to come. Just be faithful and wait patiently.
I know there are couples out there who have been trying a lot longer than Ioua and I. It’s like when I had to get treatment for my foot, I didn’t like people asking me about it because there were people being treated by my same doctor that were suffering. I know their pain is real, but so is mine. I kind of can’t keep it inside any more and I guess I just want to know if there are other people feeling the same things? We need like a support yoga group for infertility, not a support brownie group though because I do enough of that already.
I am really terrified about what people will say when they read what I have written. Be kind to me. I guess I also want to passive aggressively let people know to stop asking if I am pregnant. I am not pregnant, I am just chubby.