So tonight we went and saw The Fault in our Stars. It was amazing, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. These thoughts aren’t really me saying the movie was wrong. These are just the thoughts swirling around in my head after watching it. I thought it was brilliant. Exploring loss and fear in a way that people aren’t comfortable with. No one wants to talk about what they really think. People can say this or that about life or death in passing, but in my experience it is segmented from their reality. I think they are scared to talk about it because they aren’t sure what death really means.
I remember being home one summer from BYU-Idaho getting a call from my doctor saying they were going to send me to an oncologist. Well, I guess that isn’t really how it happened. My parents called my doctor after I came home and said something like, “Uh, they aren’t really sure what it is. They are sending me to another doctor, but they didn’t really say who …” I was oblivious. After my parents told me they left me alone and I locked myself in my closet and cried. I’ve known all my life the meaning of life and death, but for some reason terror shot through my body. When my mom was going through tests to see if she had breast cancer or not my dad told me on the phone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I went to my sister’s house and told her and we just cried together.
My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. I will never know what his family felt and went through. I don’t know if I could forgive, or if I would want pain and suffering for the driver as well. There is a scene in the movie where they are giving uligies. I remember my uncle’s funeral and how everyone said things about him that were just amazing – he was an amazing man. The one that I remember most was my cousin getting up and saying all of the things she wouldn’t get to do with him. All the things he would miss.
I don’t know why things happen. Why some people are given so much while others have so much taken away. I heard once that God’s time isn’t our time. That he is eternal and our time on earth is just a blip.
“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.”
Some times I wonder at God. That he knows who I am. That he knows everything and still loves me. I wonder that he sent his son to die for me. I know that the purpose of this life is to gain experience and wisdom. And that after we die we continue to progress and learn. I know that Christ died for me and that through his atonement I will be able to be with my family forever. For Mormon’s that phrase is thrown out there a lot, but think about it. Death is not the end.
When someone that I love experiences sorrow, pain, or death I grieve for them because I love them. I have times that I am beyond scared, or I feel like life is too hard and I can’t possibly go on. But I know that the pain and suffering on this earth is but a moment. It kind of makes me sad in movies when you see these beautiful souls who have people around them who love them so much not think that there is a point to life. To not think that there is life after death. I guess my point is that yes, there is suffering. More suffering than I could ever imagine, but that isn’t the end. I challenge the title of the movie. We have faults, I have faults, many of them. But there is no fault in heaven.