Half As Good

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This morning I woke up with Hermione, fixed breakfast for Ioua, and got ready all before 7:30 AM. I feel so good about myself. As I listened to Elder Christopherson’s talk about fathers I thought about all that fathers do. And what you don’t know is that behind the scenes Ioua is really what makes this family work. He is our backbone and he is a worthy priesthood holder which is the best thing he can be for Hermione and I.

What you don’t know is that every other day this week Ioua has gotten up with Hermione – in fact its rare if I do. When I woke up with Hermione she kept asking for Dadda because it was so weird to see me so early (5 AM).

What you don’t see is that Ioua came home from mutual last night and did the dishes – the super stinky dishes that should have been done the day before. That is why I was willing to make breakfast, because the kitchen was clean. And lets be honest they were frozen waffles from Trader Joe’s.

What no one sees is that Ioua faithfully fulfill’s his calling, while working and going to school. He loves us so much and always makes time for family. He changes dirty diapers and helps me with anything I need.

What I see is someone who supports my dreams and goals while working tirelessly on his own. I see someone who wants a good life for his family where we can always have the spirit in our home.

So I may only be half as good in every way, but thats okay with me. I feel honored and blessed to have such a husband.

This Man of Mine

Today’s post is dedicated to my mister. May I ever be grateful for the wonderful man I married. This week Ioua turned 25. This is the story about how I gave him the worst birthday ever, but it’s okay because he loves me anyway.

All day long I thought about my list for when I got home. Some how I got it into my head that Ioua would not have a happy birthday at all unless I cleaned the bathroom and the entire apartment. Like deep cleaned. On my way home from work I stopped at Target for a couple of ‘quick’ things, but we all know Target is a black hole of things you never knew you needed. 40 minutes later I headed home. When I got home I still had 2 hours before Ioua was supposed to be home so I sped through scrubbing the bathroom. (Except that I decided to soak the tub in vinegar and blue dawn dish soap – which really works by the way!) I let the tub soak while I through up some lime green streamers (that I didn’t have the heart to take a picture of, because they were just ugly) and tried to blow up some balloons. Pregnancy makes things hard that you never would have suspected! By my third balloon I was out of breath with a tummy ache so … I taped them to the wall with the streamers because having 3 balloons bouncing around on the ground clearly would mess everything up at this point.

By now I needed to get in the shower which meant I had to scrub the tub. I sent a text to Ioua right before I got in asking him to PLEASE call before he left work so I could be sure to have dinner ready. I took the fastest shower of my life! (5 minutes) And then I heard my phone ringing. “Uh, I’m already coming up our street.” Apparently he got off early.

So in he walks to a wife who has tears streaming down her face and sink full of dishes. And NO DINNER. At this point my back hurt so badly from scrubbing the bathroom that I had to ask him to do the dishes. HE DID THE DISHES ON HIS OWN BIRTHDAY PEOPLE! I am awful, I know. So I made our dinner and we sat and ate it and talked about birthday stuff, and then I realized I had completely forgotten to make a cake. Or any kind of treat. But I’m sure he’s glad I cleaned the bathroom …

So I apologized, and cried, and we drove around looking for a treat. It was almost 8 o’clock at this point so when we stopped at a bakery the only thing left were some sad cinnamon rolls. Which we didn’t even eat because we were too tired. I am really good at life right now. Happy birthday Ioua.

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This is a picture of him doing the dishes. Poor guy.

To – Do Lists

To do lists, or just any list.  I know I can not be the only lady out there with lists flying around in her head all of the time. My lists aren’t just lists either. For example; we are rearranging our house right now trying to fit the baby. This means the TV has to go against another wall, which means the pictures on said wall have to be moved to the ‘kitchen’ above the table. Not only is this on my to do list, but as part of that to do list I have to memorize the way I want them laid out on the wall.  And if I don’t the world will end.

Sometimes I envy guys, and how they do that box thing. You know, the one people say where they actually only think about one thing at a time. And they even have a NOTHING box, where they can think about absolutely nothing.  I think women would pay good money for that. Imagine, just pay five dollars for 20 minutes of NOTHING. Of course then there would be no one to accomplish anything … I kid, I kid … mostly.

To make everything in my head even crazier I am about to have a baby. Which means the number of lists and to – do’s will triple and times by five. I seriously don’t know how everyone does it! Especially my sister who has 7 kids! I vow that if I ever find out the secret to having a clearer, less chaotic mind I will pass it along ASAP!!!! Until then, I guess I’ll just sit on the couch and watch Steal Magnolias. My to – do list can wait till tomorrow ..

Limbo

Life is a bit in Limbo right now, and it has been for a while. I have come to realize that while this can be pretty darn stressful, it is also a very special time. These are the last few precious months that Ioua and I will just be Ioua and I. I love being married to him – definitely the best thing I’ve ever done. He does so much for me and I know I wouldn’t be happy with anyone else!

Sometimes I get sick of our green 90’s carpet, our lack of dishwasher, and our closet light that never turns on when you need to get dressed. I can’t wait till that illusive ‘one day’ when we have a real bath tub, and maybe a second bedroom.

I sit at home and feel my daughter swimming around in my belly. It’s like a promise of so much fun and happiness, but with an anxious heart at whether I will be able to make it as a mom. I want to be a good mom, a fun mom, but I want my children to be respectful and kind. How do you figure that out?

We are trying to figure out law school and where our future will go with that. We aren’t really sure what our future holds and at the beginning of the summer that really REALLY scared me, but now I feel different. No matter what happens we have the Lord on our side. No matter what happens we have each other. We will figure it out. Our path might not be what we originally planned, but we will be happy. You can’t not be happy if you are following the Lord and his path for you.

I sit here tonight with a grateful heart. Knowing that I have more blessings than I can count. Life is in Limbo, and I have a feeling that doesn’t go away with time, and I am really truly happy.

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Oh yeah and then that one time we went to San Fran and had the best weekend ever … that post is coming soon.

There Is No Fault In Heaven

So tonight we went and saw The Fault in our Stars. It was amazing, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. These thoughts aren’t really me saying the movie was wrong. These are just the thoughts swirling around in my head after watching it. I thought it was brilliant. Exploring loss and fear in a way that  people aren’t comfortable with. No one wants to talk about what they really think. People can say this or that about life or death in passing, but in my experience it is segmented from their reality. I think they are scared to talk about it because they aren’t sure what death really means.

I remember being home one summer from BYU-Idaho getting a call from my doctor saying they were going to send me to an oncologist. Well, I guess that isn’t really how it happened. My parents called my doctor after I came home and said something like, “Uh, they aren’t really sure what it is. They are sending me to another doctor, but they didn’t really say who …” I was oblivious. After my parents told me they left me alone and I locked myself in my closet and cried. I’ve known all my life the meaning of life and death, but for some reason terror shot through my body. When my mom was going through tests to see if she had breast cancer or not my dad told me on the phone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I went to my sister’s house and told her and we just cried together.

My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. I will never know what his family felt and went through. I don’t know if I could forgive, or if I would want pain and suffering for the driver as well. There is a scene in the movie where they are giving uligies. I remember my uncle’s funeral and how everyone said things about him that were just amazing – he was an amazing man. The one that I remember most was my cousin getting up and saying all of the things she wouldn’t get to do with him. All the things he would miss.

I don’t know why things happen. Why some people are given so much while others have so much taken away. I heard once that God’s time isn’t our time. That he is eternal and our time on earth is just a blip.

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.”

D&C 127:7-8

Some times I wonder at God. That he knows who I am. That he knows everything and still loves me. I wonder that he sent his son to die for me. I know that the purpose of this life is to gain experience and wisdom. And that after we die we continue to progress and learn. I know that Christ died for me and that through his atonement I will be able to be with my family forever. For Mormon’s that phrase is thrown out there a lot, but think about it. Death is not the end.

When someone that I love experiences sorrow, pain, or death I grieve for them because I love them. I have times that I am beyond scared, or I feel like life is too hard and I can’t possibly go on. But I know that the pain and suffering on this earth is but a moment. It kind of makes me sad in movies when you see these beautiful souls who have people around them who love them so much not think that there is a point to life. To not think that there is life after death. I guess my point is that yes, there is suffering. More suffering than I could ever imagine, but that isn’t the end. I challenge the title of the movie. We have faults, I have faults, many of them. But there is no fault in heaven.

Back And Better Than Ever

Well, I am back!  Ioua has a laptop now thanks to his VERY generous parents – so I have an announcement to make … we’re pregnant!!!! We are so beyond excited! It has been so strange and so exhilarating. I thought this Winnie the Pooh quote said it perfectly.

Baby Announcement

 

So anyway, thats our news. We couldn’t be happier! Thanks to everyone for the support and love. We are taking name suggestions since the best one Ioua has come up with is Rocket …

Bravery

What do you think bravery is? Coming unto Christ is often characterized as taking a step into the darkness, not knowing what awaits you, but knowing that Christ will not abandon you. I don’t think you are restricted from being scared or apprehensive.  Perhaps that makes your journey through the darkness even more important. After we prove to ourselves that 1. We can take that step and 2. Christ will be there waiting to help us – we begin to really change.

Growing up I always used to keep my handouts from church and put them up on my bulletin board.  I remember when I found out we had to move I looked at that board and almost everything on it was about change and how it is okay. I ripped it all down and threw it away. I was not ready for that message yet.

Is anyone ever ready for change? What if that change is within instead of without. Being brave, putting in the work and changing things that you need to. It will be hard, so hard. But the blessings that come and the closeness you feel with Heavenly Father certainly make it all worth it.

My next question is what if that change has to come through patience? The act of waiting for blessings. Waiting for a sign that you are doing things right. Waiting to see a real change in your life/body/outlook (whatever it may be). How can there be anything more difficult?

Patience is tricky.

I think being patient is being brave. Not giving up, not getting angry, not turning away.  Being patient means that you don’t have all the answers – maybe you have no answers – but you are willing to keep going.

“Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”  — Joshua 1:9

Be patient, be brave, be strong!

Not A Bad Day For A Monday

I had a goal to wake up at 4:45 this morning.  I have a goal to wake up at 4:45 every week day from now until December.  Despite the fact that I failed today, I am feeling pretty good about life! Tomorrow I have to though because tomorrow is an early work out day.  Did I tell you I signed up for a RAGNAR.  Did I tell you I have been going to spin class?!  Yup, that’s me.

I have some goals I want to accomplish for February.  One of which is to stick to my no soda diet I started for 2014.  One month strong! Another goal is to appreciate the little things in my life.  Little blessings that keep me going every day!

Ioua’s brother Josh is home from his mission! We still live far away and so we had to Skype him. That’s okay though – it is always super funny talking to missionaries who just got home.  They never know what to do with themselves!  In this picture Josh is still wearing his shirt, tie, and tag!  So funny! This kid cracks me up! And don’t even mention girls! Oh sweet awkwardness … I remember when Ioua was going through that faze …

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We have received some great blessings lately!  I am super excited for our future together. I was thinking this weekend that I was so blessed to have the life that I do. I can’t believe I complain as much as I do.  I’m trying to be better though.  In more ways then one. I saw this hilarious thing on Pinterest. It was a woman describing how she had her whole life organized (with a twist at the end). I found myself doing exactly what she said and got myself on Google calendar and mapped out my life. Starting today I have my life scheduled. Just the bare bones and super necessary stuff. Hence the waking up at 4:45 AM. Here’s to hoping it works. I hope I can stick to it though because if I do I know I will be a whole lot less stressed!

This post feels like a whole lot of nothin. Sometimes you just have to post about whatever pops into your head though. Here’s to February!

I Want A Baby

I can’t seem to be able to sleep tonight.  And here I was going to try and wake up at 5:30 am tomorrow.  That seems to always happen to me.  Sunday nights are just hard on me I guess.  I stay up all night trying to count sheep …. I make it to about five and then my mind starts racing.  What do I have to do tomorrow, this week, what did I do wrong last week., and then it goes to happy thoughts like what if I screw up too much and I get fired?  I can’t get fired!

Then my train of thought inevitably switches to I want a baby.  Then I start to think of everyone that has a baby.  All the people that have gotten pregnant and had their baby in the time that we have been trying to have one.  All the people who keep telling me they want to get pregnant and probably will pretty soon.  An here I will be, baby less.  It isn’t something I am looking for pity about.  I need to write it down before my head explodes.  I try and try to not worry about it, but that’s like telling  someone not to breathe or eat.  I want a baby so badly I ache every time I think about it.

Today in nursery a little boy got hit in the head by another kid and started crying.  He came and sat on my lap and put his face in my neck and it was all I could do not to cry, but at the same time it felt like a tender mercy from the Lord.  Like here is a little taste of whats to come.  Just be faithful and wait patiently.

I know there are couples out there who have been trying a lot longer than Ioua and I.  It’s like when I had to get treatment for my foot, I didn’t like people asking me about it because there were people being treated by my same doctor that were suffering.  I know their pain is real, but so is mine.  I kind of can’t keep it inside any more and I guess I just want to know if there are other people feeling the same things?  We need like a support yoga group for infertility, not a support brownie group though because I do enough of that already.

I am really terrified about what people will say when they read what I have written.  Be kind to me.  I guess I also want to passive aggressively let people know to stop asking if I am pregnant.  I am not pregnant, I am just chubby.

Worthwhile Goals

NYE Last Year - Couldn't keep my eyes open!

NYE Last Year – Couldn’t keep my eyes open!

It’s that time of year again.  You know, setting new resolutions for the year ahead.  For some reason it is soooo hard for me.  Every year I want to be skinnier, but this year it seems so shallow of me.  Like I need to take my mom’s advice and just stop it.  STOP fixating on the way I look!

Am I just totally insane?  I want to be healthier and thinner and whatever, but when I set that goal for myself I always focus on myself afterwords and no one/nothing else.  I don’t want that to be the case in 2014.  And if I must focus on myself I want it to be something that means a little more to me.  Like growing creatively, professionally, spiritually.  I guess I will need to come up with tangible ‘To Do’s’ to get this done.

1.  Create HelloGloua logo and stationary

2.  Read scriptures every morning for 10 minutes.

3.  Give service to others.

4.  Learn a new medium (art).

5.  Write one handwritten letter a week.

6.  Actually carry out my idea of HelloGloua care packages.

7.  Really give yoga a try.

8.  Pray for Ioua everyday – like a real prayer on my knees.

9.  Work on family history

10.  Help Ioua finish our family project

11.  Buy my camera

12.  Photoshoots

13.  Read one book a month

14.  Start learning Tagalog

15.  Stick to our budget

Do any of you have any stupendous goals you are setting for yourself?  It can be large or small!